June 30, 2021
5:00 AM – And I am still awake because of the prep I took yesterday. I still haven’t gone to sleep. The same old pattern: move slowly and carefully away from the toilet, crawl gingerly into bed, lay on my back or stomach carefully so as to not jostle or excite anything, get comfortable enough to get drowsy and Boom, as soon as my eyes start to close…
BETTER RUN!
I’m out of the bed and onto the toilet in under fifteen seconds. The agony, cramps, a minor earthquake shakes my body and more watery poop comes flying out, waking the neighbors, more than likely, and keeping me on the toilet, quivering, straining while trying not to hold my breath, praying, a little angry…until the spasms are finally over…
…for about five minutes, then the cramps and pain start all over again. I feel like I have to go but I don’t. I feel like I have to go and I do – a few drops, a trickle, some grainy-looking residue (poop), a few small lumps that feel like bowling balls when I pass them, a stream that sounds like I’m urinating-
-trapped on the toilet for fifteen, twenty minutes, falling asleep, waking with numb feet. Ironically, it’s the only way I can get some peace. When I am asleep on the toilet, my bowels lock up, nothing comes out. But, only when I am asleep. As soon as I wake up…
6:00 – I should eat. I really should eat. The plan was I would eat at 6 – two bowls of Jell-O – and then eat no more until after the procedure. The Jell-O should work its way through my system in two, three hours, well before my last dose of SUPREP at 10 AM and be flushed out entirely. But, I can’t get off the toilet. I may have to wait for a five mute window and bring a bowl into the bathroom with me. Sounds a little um, , wrong, eating Jell-O while diarrhea-ing (not a word – I know), but I don’t have a choice. I want to eat something, and now is the only real chance I have. So…
6:45 AM – Two bowls of Jell-O down the tube. Pineapple is still almost flavorless. So disappointing.
7:30 AM – I am off the toiled and it feels like it may be for good, until 10 AM, at least. I am sitting as still as possible in front of the TV, watching YouTube and trying to relax, trying to keep my mind off my behind, off residue, off the colonoscopy I have coming in six hours. It’s my first major procedure, if a colonoscopy is a major procedure, and I am nervous about the whole thing, especially the findings: something is wrong with me, that’s obvious. I have had chromic diarrhea since before the pandemic, since before I started this blog, and if it’s not hemorrhoids or IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), I am not sure I want to know what it is. And I don’t think it’s hemorrhoids, anymore.
I hope it’s not cancer.
I will know in a few days, after blood tests, and biopsies, and the results from stool samples. And I am worried about the answer. YouTube is doing an okay job of getting my mind off of it.
8:00 – Two cups of water with my morning meds. The water agitates my bowels and five minutes of spasms follow, accompanied by seven minutes. I do not want to drink this second dose.
But I have to. Time to put on the big boy pants, and do what an emotionally mature adult is supposed to do.
9:00 AM – Caffeine in the form of iced tea. I gave up real coffee weeks ago, real coffee being coffee with caffeine. It can cause diarrhea in people with healthy gastro-intestinal systems. IN my intestines? I’ve been late to work by over an hour. Tea doesn’t do anything. I don’t enjoy it as much, but I get my caffeine jolt.
10:00 AM – Okay. Second dose of SUPREP. I really do not want this but I want this colonoscopy. I need this colonoscopy. What am I not cooperating with myself. Honestly, a part of me wants to call the hospital and cancel the procedure, usually when I am nearly doubled up on the toilet, trying to force a pea-sized piece of poop out.
Bottoms up.
10:30 AM – WHERE IS ALL OF THIS COMING FROM? WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO POOP OUT? HOW COULD THERE BE ANYTHING LEFT INSIDE ME?
This is not real.
This is a bad idea. This second dose was timed way too close. Am I going to be stable enough to leave the house and get to the hospital in time?
Stay tuned and find out!
Next: the anticlimactic conclusion. Honestly, I thought this would take two posts at the most. The real colonoscopy is scheduled for this Thursday, so I want to get this out before then.
Photo by Shumilov Ludmila on Unsplash
Mark Earnest Johnson 