Not Stepping Out In Faith

I learned how to have a little faith in 2021. I learned how to say “Give me this day my daily bread” and really believe God was going to provide, no matter the circumstances, no matter what. I don’t have to worry about it, don’t have to think about it. That is what faith is. I dug down deep and found a tiny particle of faith, not even a tenth of the size of a grain of mustard seed, but it was, is real faith. And it works.

But, I haven’t figured out how to do it anywhere else.

So, what did I do wrong?

How did I fail to step out in faith after I graduated? Or after the greedy landlords who used to own this apartment complex raised my rent $225 a month? What should I have done?

The landlord raised the rent in the tail end of October 2019. The leases were to be renewed in December 2019., I had barely a month to find a new apartment, get my belongings packed and get moved. I was furious of course, about the rent hike and the short notice. If I had known the summer of 2019, I would have had plenty of time to get my act together and, etc.

I mentioned it to my mom on the phone one night. I had prayed about a new apartment, I told her, and I was waiting on an answer from God, but time was getting shorter, and I still didn’t know what I should do. Should I just sign the new lease? Wait until the last minute? Keep applying, even though each application cost me between $30 and $45 dollars, just for processing and a security check. Three applications, no apartment, money down the drain.

My mom, more devout than me and a firmer believer, told me I should step on faith. how? Give the lease manager notice. Tell her you will be moving out by December 1st. Then take it to God and let Him know you have faith in Him and you know He has already picked out an apartment for you and ask Him to lead you to it. You step out in faith by giving notice and shutting that dolor behind you. When you shut that door in faith, God will open the next one for you. By giving my lease manager notice, you have to act like it has already been done, like have already found an apartment, and like you trust God to do it.

I just couldn’t do that. I thought about it. What if I gave notice but couldn’t find an apartment and had to go to the leasing office, hat in hand, and ask for my apartment back, sign a new lease? What if they had already rented out my apartment? Somehow I couldn’t handle the potential embarrassment of having to rescind my lease termination notice.

i should have started looking for a new job a year before I graduated. I shouldn’t have waited.

I should have applied for the receptionist job at the hospital. But when I looked at all of the job responsibilities and imagine how much work that would be, how much more work than I was doing already, I could feel the energy and enthusiasm running away from, could feel the dread of going to work daily, of being trapped in a thankless job with an ungrateful taskmaster for a boss and an eternal stack of work before my chair every morning.

I should have finished my novel before I graduated. But there is no proof it would have sold well enough to support me.

Should, woulda, coulda.

My job held me down during the pandemic. I have a roof over my head. I am blessed. I have favor. I have God.

Why do I feel like I’ve made a couple years’ worth of bad decisions?

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