And, that is by choice. My choice.
I have come to the realization that I can’t have my family reading my blog AND be me, as well. Ultimately I am going to have to be who they think I am. My blog is going to have to conform to the ME I present to them on the phone, in text messages, and in person.
I can’t be me if people I know read this blog.
I have a friend, Niles, who knows about this blog, and who reads it. And, my writing has changed since I told him about it. I am, on the web page, exactly who I am to him in person. I am always aware when writing of who I want him to think I am and my writing has not veered from that
Actually, this entire blog is sort of fraudulent. I always intended at some point to tell the people I know about it. I intended to tell my family at some point, my friends. I intended to let them read it when I had a decent number of posts and a respectable number of follows. I wanted to present a successful enterprise to them, not some fledgling pipe dream that could wither and fail at any moment. I have had blogs before and I have quit on all of them. But my family and friends didn’t know about them, so it was okay I wasn’t failing in front of their eyes. They weren’t watching and judging. They didn’t know.
So, in a way, it didn’t happen. I could fail and my life and relationships could go on as if nothing had happened. I could say honest, candid things about my life and opinions without hurting anyone’s or damaging any relationships.
But, I was going to tell them about this blog, eventually, so, even from the beginning, as I was divulging little secret tidbits about myself, as I was disclosing tiny bits of my real self to readers, I was self-censoring, writing, creating a version of me that would be acceptable to my friends, family, and acquaintances, when they eventually read it.
No matter what I confided, what emotion I confessed, or what unknown incident I exposed, everything I wrote has been shaped by the question of how much I didn’t want them to know about me, how much I was willing to reveal.
The people who read this blog are fine. They have been a great audience for me, because they don’t know me. They might judge, but they don’t my address or phone number. They, you, are judging a stranger. You don’t know I look like. So I can say anything, be as honest and open as I please. I can be me, in other words. I can disclose exactly who I think I am and be judged and hopefully accepted on those terms.
But, not if I share this blog with the people who “know” me. I can’t tell the casual reader – a complete stranger – something I don’t want my family to know, somethign I don’t want my friends asking questions about. Everything I write about myself is controlled and shaped by what I do and don’t want my family and friends to know about me.
So, this blog is fraudulent. It isn’t me. It’s the same “me” I present to the world every second I am outside of my apartment. It is who my family and friends think I am with a little surprise thrown in here and there. And, I consider what their eventual reactions will be when they read it.
I thought I started this blog to put who I am to words and give it, me, a place on the internet.
So, what am I going to do?
I suppose I will have to start another blog anonymously where I can be who I truly am.