My Family Doesn’t Know About This Blog

And, that is by choice. My choice.

I have come to the realization that I can’t have my family reading my blog AND be me, as well. Ultimately I am going to have to be who they think I am. My blog is going to have to conform to the ME I present to them on the phone, in text messages, and in person.

I can’t be me if people I know read this blog.

I have a friend, Niles, who knows about this blog, and who reads it. And, my writing has changed since I told him about it. I am, on the web page, exactly who I am to him in person. I am always aware when writing of who I want him to think I am and my writing has not veered from that

Actually, this entire blog is sort of fraudulent. I always intended at some point to tell the people I know about it. I intended to tell my family at some point, my friends. I intended to let them read it when I had a decent number of posts and a respectable number of follows. I wanted to present a successful enterprise to them, not some fledgling pipe dream that could wither and fail at any moment. I have had blogs before and I have quit on all of them. But my family and friends didn’t know about them, so it was okay I wasn’t failing in front of their eyes. They weren’t watching and judging. They didn’t know.

So, in a way, it didn’t happen. I could fail and my life and relationships could go on as if nothing had happened. I could say honest, candid things about my life and opinions without hurting anyone’s or damaging any relationships.

But, I was going to tell them about this blog, eventually, so, even from the beginning, as I was divulging little secret tidbits about myself, as I was disclosing tiny bits of my real self to readers, I was self-censoring, writing, creating a version of me that would be acceptable to my friends, family, and acquaintances, when they eventually read it.

No matter what I confided, what emotion I confessed, or what unknown incident I exposed, everything I wrote has been shaped by the question of how much I didn’t want them to know about me, how much I was willing to reveal.

The people who read this blog are fine. They have been a great audience for me, because they don’t know me. They might judge, but they don’t my address or phone number. They, you, are judging a stranger. You don’t know I look like. So I can say anything, be as honest and open as I please. I can be me, in other words. I can disclose exactly who I think I am and be judged and hopefully accepted on those terms.

But, not if I share this blog with the people who “know” me. I can’t tell the casual reader – a complete stranger – something I don’t want my family to know, somethign I don’t want my friends asking questions about. Everything I write about myself is controlled and shaped by what I do and don’t want my family and friends to know about me.

So, this blog is fraudulent. It isn’t me. It’s the same “me” I present to the world every second I am outside of my apartment. It is who my family and friends think I am with a little surprise thrown in here and there. And, I consider what their eventual reactions will be when they read it.

I thought I started this blog to put who I am to words and give it, me, a place on the internet.

So, what am I going to do?

I suppose I will have to start another blog anonymously where I can be who I truly am.

6 comments

  1. Tough tough choice indeed!
    I faced that same issue (although, not from an entrepreneurial viewpoint). And I think it’s terrifying that people I know read my blog, too. They comment on it a bunch as well, and share their opinions about it (and thus me).

    But I made the opposite choice. To just be my actual me – regardless of consequences. Fuck anonimity. Take it or leave it attitude (with little bursts of panic and paranoia everytime someone I know mentions they read).

    Hope the new blog has the wanted effect for you, though!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Mark!

    This response may become a bit lengthy only because I have been there.

    When I first started my blog back in 2014 I also didn’t want to tell my family about it. I was afraid that they would use what they perceived as shortcomings as a way to “one-up” me in arguments. Or maybe my “shortcomings” would become a topic that people have when they think I’m not in earshot but I totally am in earshot. All this happened btw; in fact, I had a family member tell me they hoped I failed as a writer and that all that I did (blog) failed.

    I’m not sure what possessed me to tell my family about my blog. I think it mightve been the need for acceptance or support in my dreams. Basically things I didnt have in reserve for myself.

    What ended up happening was that I made myself small so that others would feel comfortable. My writing was 200% impacted. I censored my silly, playful personality (especially when it was suggested I edit it out of my articles). I became afraid to share my true writer’s voice which is vulgar and likes to deleve in topics that is uncomfortable to others (depression, sex, etc). I was a version of myself that others had created for me with the expectation that I follow it. I was this version in life, on my blog, and in my writing. I was a fraud.

    And I got fucking tired of it.

    No one should have to make themselves small, live a false life, to make others comfortable. My blog taught me to stop censoring myself. To accept that others will dislike me, but to not give the slightest of fucks about it NO MATTER WHO THEY WERE. This wasnt an easy mindset to adopt, but once it clicked I was free.

    Dont get me wrong, some of my family members acted out of an odd sense of love and acute concern. I dont want to demonize them. I believe some of us (me included) dont take into account how our words may impact the self worth / image or mental state of another. However, some of my family members were just dicks and therefore peasantry (royalty doesn’t care about peasant opinions). It’s important to know the difference.

    Idk if I can convince you to continue your passion here on this blog, but I hope my experience and personal triumphs will make you reevaluate your final decision. After all, this is a beautiful blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Desiree,

      Thank you for this message and for your story. I get a lot if inspiration from people who have triumphed over the problems I am struggling with, so this is helpful and what I need right now.

      Keep writing. Helping people is the most important thing we can do.

      Like

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