Wednesday. 5:31 p.m. Kansas City, Missouri. I am at home, still in my work clothes, sitting at my desk that I cleaned off completely just a week ago, but which has since collected desk debris like dust. One desk lamp with a faded, yellowing lampshade growing brittle (or maybe it was always brittle) that I would have replaced Monday if someone hadn’t walked off with my new lampshade. YouTube playing with the sound off. Milk Duds stuck in my teeth.
I am looking for something to write about besides all of the stuff I wanted to write about when I started this website. None of those topics interest or inspire me today. Jussie Smollett. Donald Trump. Kanye West. Barack Obama. Politics. Race. Et cetera. I want to write about all of these things, have opinions about all of these things, but I don’t want to do it today.
There is a national election going. I don’t want to think about what new maverick we’re going to have in the White House – or what old one. I don’t want to care too much about the outcome, because I don’t want to have to live with my feelings if I don’t like the people’s decisions. I was weeks trying to work out why I was angry and disappointed about Donald Trump’s triumph, when I was going to feel the same way if Hilary Clinton won. I have never wanted both candidates to lose until 2016, so I’ve never had to deal with disappointment and disillusionment so early in an election cycle. Democrats are most likely going to pick someone I don’t want or need, and I am going to be in the same emotional position – angry and apathetic.
But, I want to write something. I want to write every day.
I want to post something intelligent and well-written every single day. But, I have to get to the point where posting three times a week or every other day isn’t a major psychological struggle. If I’m not harassing myself for the content, I’m disgusted with myself for wanting to do anything else, or I’m angry with myself for setting a three-posts-a-week quota.
I want to write every day, including today, but today isn’t that day. My keyboard doesn’t look unappealing or oppressive; it hasn’t gotten that bad, yet. It just looks boring.
I have struggled like this before and lost most of those battles. But, I promised myself this time, this project, this year would be different.
This is my second post of the week.